"My child cries every day and night about being dropped at school. What can I do?"

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Published on Wednesday, 12 September 2012 01:28

This email was in my in-box today, from a parent. Read below for ideas to help.

The parent shared:

Matilda is in her first full week of kindy and we are still trying to get the routine down, get into a groove and transition from summer mode to school mode. You have been through this before and I'm needing some advice...

Matilda cries every night before bed about not wanting to go to school and she cries every morning while getting dressed, all the way to school and then clings to me when I try to leave the classroom. When I look around the class, she is the only one crying and I am the only parent left in the classroom after the bell rings.

We have tried consoling her and talking things through but nothing seems to help. She wants me to stay in my car in the parking lot the whole time she is in class, which is four hours long. Today (Wednesday) was an extra hard day for her and I finally said OK, I will wait in the parking lot for twenty minutes after school starts, and she agreed and let go of my legs.

Did you have this issue with your kids? How did you handle it? What can I do to make her excited about going to school? What do I say to help her stop crying?

I am going to become a parent volunteer in hopes to work in her classroom a couple days a week. I think that will definitely help?

I would appreciate any advice I can get! Thank you!!!

Ideas to help

Yes, we've certainly been there. Our youngest son began Preschool this year and each morning he asks Daddy to walk him in, carry him into the room and wait until his hands are washed and he is seated. THEN Daddy can leave.

Attending Preschool will usually help with the transition into Kindergarten, the following year. If your kiddo did not attend Preschool, however, full day Kindergarten is going to be rough at first. It's a huge transition, going from being at home all day to being gone all day. If your child attended a Preschool that she/he loved, moving to a brand new school with new friends and teachers will also be a big change that might cause some upset.

That said, here are 12 tips that may help:

1. Talk with your child every day after school, asking how things went. "What was your favorite part of school today? Did you make a friend? Was the playground fun? What was your snack? Are you learning to write your name?" Putting a positive spin on things will help your child identify the positives, too.

2. Draw pictures. Help your child draw pictures at home, after school. "Let's draw a picture of what you did in class today!" If your child is upset, allow that to come out on the paper. Sometimes kids just need an outlet for their fears and you might quickly find out what is at the bottom of the fear: worry about mom/dad being away for so long, fears about the bigger kids in school who seem intimidating, worry about the fast paced lessons being taught, etc. {Get a free fun-with-feelings downloadable book from Kidlutions.com}

3. Go for a walk after school and chat about the days' happenings. Kids often open up when you go for walks or head to the park for an afternoon of fun.

4. Write a song together about school. Allow your child to help make up the words. Use rhyming text so the song will easily be memorized. For instance: "Kindergarten friends are great. Today, I'll learn so much. When it's done, I'll come back home. I missed my mom a bunch!" This may seem silly but for many kids, music is a terrific way to hold back fears and focus on the good.

5. Go for a drive. My kids open up more when we drive and chat. The relaxing environment seems to give them a push toward asking questions and answering mine. Soon enough, we've gotten to the bottom of an issue and we can then figure out strategies for solving the problem.

6. Make a book. Work together to create a "book of feelings" or a photo book that helps your child talk about feelings and fears. Real photos can work wonders to help a child identify facial expressions and open up about sadness, fear, anger, frustration, joy, excitement and more.

7. Rent a video at the library that gets kids excited about school. We have one called "Getting ready for Kindergarten" by Rock n Learn. My kids love it and watch it often. (Thanks to Jessica Marr from Mom Vantage for sending the video our way!)

8. Buy or download fun Kindergarten songs that talk about the interesting things to be learned in school. Message: learning at school is fun!

9. Create sequence photos to help your child with the steps of each day. Simply take photos of your day: your child getting up, getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, putting shoes on, getting into the car, arriving at school and going into the classroom. Take more photos of your child getting picked up and heading back home. Perhaps you can also get a photo of the big hug that mom gives after school lets out! Laminate the photos and put them on a flip ring. Or, put them into a little photo album, as though you are creating a story-telling-book. Allow your child to use the sequence photos every day and even sleep with them. Say, "This is how our days go. You get ready and go to school. Then we are back together again!" This will give some reassurance of the routine and the fact that you'll always be reunited at the end of every day.

10. Volunteer in the classroom, yes. This is a good idea for both your child and the school. However, if your child expects you to volunteer daily, this will become a challenge for you and your other children, especially if you need to head to work.

11. Host play dates with the friends your child is making in class. Bring a friend home, or go to another child's house to play. This can often help to ignite excitement in kids. They love knowing that they have friends at school who can also play after school!

12. Get a special plate to use at dinner time. We have two plates. One says, "You are special today" and the other says, "Celebrate!" We use the plates when something special happens: birthdays, first day of school, etc. You could use the plate when your child has a good day and shows progress with the separation struggle. If you have a day that's better than most, celebrate that and make a big deal of it. "You sure did great today! I was really proud of you for going to school and giving it such a good try. Let's celebrate that at dinner tonight. You can use the special plate!" {See the Kazdin Method for Parenting for more tips about the effect of positive praise on a child's brain development and behavior modification.}

I emailed Ava Parnass, also, asking for her insights. Ava is a child therapist and the owner of Listen to Me Please. Here are some questions that Ava would like for you to ponder, as you become your child's Feeling Detective:

1. Was there a recent divorce?
2. Is this child living near a sick relative?
3. Is anyone else in the home ill?
4. How is the marriage at home?
5. Is the child getting enough of your one-on-one attention at home?
6. Any big transitions like a new baby, moving, death, divorce, stress, loss of old friends, etc?
7. Did your child do this last year, also, in Preschool?
8. Is the child worries that something will happen to her at school?
9. Did this start before the first day or after?
10. Did something happen in school to upset your child?

These are just a few questions you might like to mull over. If you answer yes to some of them, that could give you clues as to why your kiddo is struggling with separation issues. If not, it's likely just a matter of time... and your child will eventually settle into the new routine knowing that you love her and will always come to pick her up. Refer to the ideas above (numbers one-twelve) to help your child, in the meantime.

Final thought:

Most of all - be patient. Generally speaking, habits are formed (or broken) after a period of about 21 days (three weeks). If your child is still experiencing severe separation anxiety issues after three weeks, chat with your Pediatrician or family counselor about it.

Author:

Shara Lawrence-Weiss is the owner of Mommy Perks, Kids Perks, Early Childhood News and Resources, Personal Child Stories and all additional sites under the Pine Media umbrella. She has four children (2 boys, 2 girls) and has a background in small business ownership, freelance, marketing, nanny work, early childhood, education, special needs and charity service. Shara serves as the secretary of her town charity group and the treasurer of the local library Board. She's been known to drink too much coffee and snort while laughing.

Early Childhood News and Resources is owned and operated by the Mommy Perks family of sites.

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