My son is mad at me and I'm okay with that.
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- Published on Thursday, 05 May 2011 15:35
The month of May is National Foster Care Month. I'll admit - we don't foster any children at this time. I would like to and last year, we called the local chapter and left a message. They never called us back.
I went Online to research and found out that our home is too small to foster anyone. I was really bummed about that but I prayed it over and felt at peace with the idea that if/when kids found their way to us...we'd help them. Even if they could not sleep over.
As a kid my parents often helped community members: the homeless, the helpless, the hungry and the downtrodden. My parents were sort of known as one of those go-to couples; always willing to lend a hand.
We were not wealthy. In fact, we struggled to pay our bills on a regular basis. My dad was a Minister and my mom cleaned the homes of rich folks prior to working with special needs children. Even without much money around for extra treats and wants, my parents made it clear to us that helping others was a priority for them. Between exchange students, homeless people, lonely teens, poor mission workers, field workers, lonely seniors and single parents - our home was never quiet. It was never "ours."
Sometimes I got angry at my parents and felt as though they cared more about strangers than they did about my three sisters and I. They were always out to save the world, it seemed. Always offering a hand to someone who had fallen. Always giving what little extra money we had to help someone who had less. Always visiting a hospital or traveling over-seas or donating to the school or...
It never ended. It never, ever ended. I'm in my 30's now and my parents are still helping. Sometimes I call my mom and she says, "I can't talk now, honey. Can I call you back? I met someone at church who needs a friend. She's here now for dinner." Or... "I'm busy today, Shara. I'm a CASA now, remember? I need to take a young lady shopping for a bra and school supplies, as her mother isn't going to do it." Sometimes I write to my dad and he responds days later, telling me he was out of the country for ten days, on a mission trip to help the poor in Russia or Central America or...wherever. I always worry that he'll die some day, over-seas, and we'll have to ship his body back to the USA and I won't have said a proper goodbye to him.
The other day, as I thought about Foster Care Month, children in need of Mentoring, and my childhood, I marveled at my parent's legacy. How many kids get to grow up in a humble home in which their parents give more than they receive? How many kids get to say, "We didn't have much but my folks always gave to those in need, regardless"? How many kids claim their biggest childhood complaint as, "Our house was always filled with people we were helping"?
I venture to guess...not many.
This week, my eldest son really upset me. He told me that it seems as though the kids I've Mentored over the years get more attention from me than he does. My husband jumped in and said, "Your mother cares enough to help people who come to her. Since the day you were born she has been teaching you to care. Whether it's a healthy meal or doing their laundry or inviting them over for a safe place to be - she's always going to be this way. It won't change. It's who she is. I suggest you learn to respect that about her and not make this about you. You get her attention, too, but in different ways. She may not help with your homework like she does with other kids but that's because you don't need her to. You can read and write and in fact, we get upset that you DON'T ever ask for our help. You should be thankful that you have a mom who cares about people and who hasn't become apathetic to the needs of her community." {I sat there listening to him say these things and it made me love him even more.}
My son grumbled, "Well, I don't care. I want that attention. The kids that mom helps already have parents." I said, "Yes, they do. However, they are not having their needs met and are seeking out someone who cares. We try to fill in some of those gaps so that the kids will hopefully grow up to be productive and caring citizens. Without having someone model those behaviors for them, it won't happen. They will grow up angry and bitter, feeling as though the world let them down and in turn - they won't be good parents to their own kids because no one showed them how. If I told someone that I hope they get what they need but then didn't do anything to help them, what good is that? Not much, eh?" It would be like the person who says, "I'm praying for you, my friend! I hope you get what you need!" without realizing that it would be even better to be the answer to their own prayers.
Later that night my son came over to hug me. He said, "I love you, mom. Thanks for everything you do." I wasn't sure if he meant that or not but I accepted his hug.
I thought about my own childhood again and how ticked I was back then for having parents who always helped people. I wanted their attention and all of their time. I've realized over the years that what they gave me was not only their attention but also - life lessons, critical thinking skills, a heart for helping, faith put into ACTION and...a legacy to carry on.
So I suppose that if my son is upset with me, I'll have to live with that; and just hope that 20 years from now, he writes a post like this one.
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Final Thought:
Can't foster a child? That's okay! Do what you can even if it doesn't feel like much. If your heart, ears and eyes are open to helping, those who need you will find you. Perhaps someone needs a walk home, a tire changed, a good meal, their milk paid for, diapers for a baby, books, clothing, their laundry washed, a home visit, help with reading/writing - whatever! We don't have to save our entire community. But we can darn sure do our part.
ABOUT the Author:
Shara Lawrence-Weiss is the owner of Mommy Perks, Personal Child Stories, Early Childhood News and Resources and Kids Perks. She and her husband co-own Pine Media. Shara has a background in education, early childhood, nanny work, published freelance, marketing and special needs.
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Comments
My son is age 12. I have considered the Big Brother/Big Sister program. I am not sure our small town has that running but I'm going to find out. Thanks for the idea!
My 17-year-old is mad at me, too...BUT I'm equally mad at him this time! Lol.
As for the Foster dilemma and spending time helping others, I think your kids win out in the long run. They see first-hand about the joy and value of giving. I doubt, in their heart-of-hearts they really feel neglected (by you).
Another avenue of "Fostering" is becoming a Big Brother or Sister. It's not a large time commitment but it makes a big difference in the lives of these kids who don't have a regular dad or mom in their lives.
I did it twice, once before kids and once "during".
Great post!
My parents were and still are helping others and I still {still!!} get upset when I don't have my mom's undivided attention.
I think it's an amazing gift that you are passing onto your children who will pass it on again! And really, isn't that what we should all do?
I'm no good at math but I like your equation about love!
Great idea about letter writing...THANK S!
Happy Mother's Day!
Wendy
PS...I KNOW that "C" "gets it"...he's got your same heart...it runs in the family. It would be fascinating to see what C might come up with if you asked him to write a letter of support to another child who feels the same way. He might need to share that with his own son or daughter some day!
I had forgotten about my son coming home and going through his clothing, to donate to other kids at school. Thanks for reminding me of that. Love ya! {And hey - thanks for reading all of my articles and remembering what I say! LOL}
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