Helping Kids Make Friends

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Published on Sunday, 17 March 2013 10:36

Helping Kids Make Friends

By Ava Parnass, Child Therapist

There are various reasons children have trouble making friends. Here are a few:

1. Some parents may be very outgoing and their children may rebel against this. Many children don't like all of the attention an outgoing  parents is giving to others instead of to them. It's natural for kids to feel jealous and jealousy is hard for kids to handle. Some kids cope by becoming introverted.

2. If you have an older outgoing child the other child may unconsciously take the role that hasn't been taken - being the quieter child.

{Photo copyright: Ava Parnass, Listen To Me Please}

3. One child in the family may be getting more attention than the other. The one that feels neglected closes down socially in an unconscious way of expressing “please pay attention to me." This of course is a backwards expression of the need for the parent to interact with them. However, kids don’t have the right words and feelings to express themselves unless taught.

4. Making friends with other children is the first step your baby and children take toward the outside world. This step is the first separation on the road to college. While your children may be very young and this seems far away, not making friends easily is keeping them too close to home. They need to take this developmental step (making friends).

[Related reading: Seven tips for bonding with a new baby]

5. Sometimes parents who are very controlling, busy or who yell too much have children who shut down by not interacting with others (as a way of coping).

6. And of course there is a child’s temperament: certain children run more shy than others.

[Related reading: Anger management at the park]

Things to do

1. A lot of parents notice that when they institute more of "grown-up & me time " weekly and play with their child, the child becomes more outgoing (over few months). The underlying reason is: by paying more direct attention to your child, they feel they have enough emotional time with you, so they can separate from you and play with others.

2. Other families play so well with their kids their children that the children don't feel the need to make friends. In this case start to include other children in your play and gently help them move toward other children so they have a good balance of friends and grown up time.

3. As a family therapist we were trained by watching videotapes of the families we worked with, what they did and what we did. More learning takes place when you watch yourself than when someone is telling you what to do differently. Tape yourself and your family and your interaction even for an hour or half a day. Watch it and see what you learn and what you can do differently. If you don't see anything, consider showing it to a to a child expert.

[Related reading: Confused by expert parenting advice?]

4. Acting classes are really very helpful - just for the socializing aspect!

5. If you still are finding it hard to help your child socialize consult an expert to teach you and your child social skills. It is really beneficial. Not only does your child learn to play with others, you learn a style of playing with your child that matches your child's temperament.

6. Spend 10 minutes a day using the Feeling Town Map. It can help teach your child better emotional intelligence skills to meet their needs rather then shutting down socially. It can also uncover the hidden feelings as to why your child is not making friends. 

[Related reading: Word games that boost emotional intelligence]

Things to say:

- "I know it can be scary or hard to make new friends but I will help you be brave."
- "Being brave means trying anyway even if you are scared!"
- "It takes a while to be confident but you can do it."
- "We will go at your pace and you can choose how we practice."
- "Making friends can be fun after we get over our fears."
- "We can work on the feelings that are getting in the way of feeling free to have fun with friends."
 
Tips from Rebecca, age 11

1. Have your kids perform little tasks like paying the clerk in the store or answering a question that someone asks them.

2. Smiling at a person who talks to them in an elevator or on the street and making eye contact briefly is a good way to start being brave.

3. Sending them to school with pencils or erasers they can share with other kids (or a game they can play like Mad Libs) really helps.

4. You can start a reward system for participating in class or saying one new thing to a person each day or asking another kid a question or giving a complement! And the reward is extra time with your parents at a fun activity. Ava says rewards are not bribes - they are incentives for behavior till the behavior becomes internalized and the rewards are no longer needed. I am not sure what that means (LOL).

Tip from Shara, owner of Early Childhood News and Resources: Read The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child - Yale Parenting Center - in order to learn about rewards as a temporary behavior modification strategy (during tough times when no other methods are working).

About the Author:

New book coming soon titled Time-In not Time-Out with Dr Lynne Kenney, Wendy Young and Ava Parnass. Stay tuned!

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